I need to get a new pair of slippers. I am lazy and instead of scrunching my feet into a pair of already-tied shoes to take Annie Mae for her nightly walk, I just go in my slippers.

This convenient method of walking Annie Mae worked for months. But I noticed when I took Annie Mae for a walk after it rained, my socks got wet. I looked at the rubber sole of my left slipper. It had two holes. My right slipper had some cracks in the rubber.

"I wonder how that happened?" I asked Annie Mae. My collie companion rolled her eyes. "Slippers and concrete are not compatible" she said.

"How come your collie pads never wear out?" I wondered. "They should make slippers out of doggy pads"

I decided to look at some catalogs that had come in the mail to see if I could find a pair of slippers. I found a black plaid pair for $14.99 and decided to order them. Sending men to the moon was simpler.

"How do you spell your last name Mary?"

"No, no. It's Larry, not Mary."

"My apologies Mr. No No. What is your first order?"

After we got the name thing straightened out, we proceeded.

"I'd like to order Item 886654."

"Very good. The shipping charge for an Amana refrigerator is $1,212."

He sounded a bit deflated when we went from a $1,165 refrigerator to a $14.99 pair of black plaid slippers.

"Now Mr. Fugate. I have been authorized to exclusively reveal to you that for just $24.99 you will become a member of our Slipper Club entitling you to free shipping for slippers every month. Can I have your card number please?"

"I don't want to be in the Slipper Club. I'm already in the Utica Friendly Seniors and that costs me $5 a year."

"Would you like to enroll the Utica Friendly Seniors in our exclusive Slipper Club?"

"Can I interest you in an ensemble of nightly sleep wear to compliment your black plaid slippers? We have matching wool pajama pants, two pairs for $88.50. I also would recommend a black plaid bedside table lamp for $44.95. Can I have your card number please?"

Annie Mae recommended black duct tape instead.

"Would you like to enroll in our Black Duct Tape Club for just one easy payment of a box of Milk Bone Doggy Yummies?" Annie Mae asked.

The next morning Annie Mae asked if we could buy more sofa cushions so she could sleep better. She already has three. She ate the fourth one. I said yes if she would become a member of the I-Will- Eat-My-Dinner-When-Larry-Serves-It Club.

She thought the price was far beyond what she could afford.

Larry Fugate is a local freelance columnist. On the Front Porch appears in The Advocate the first Sunday of each month. His email is: Drycreeklarry1@gmail.com. You can become a member of the Front Porch Club by sending him your old slippers.